recognition//

‘i want to remember myself’ were the words that fell from my lips the moment i knew it was time to begin. i wanted to recognize my wholeness and see myself again.

after years of convincing myself this choice would make me weak and after asking myself over and again if i was just desiring a ‘short cut’, i finally chose to seek a new form of medicine. my friends and family have been medicine. therapy has been a balm. movement has offered new breath and this is also medicine.

for the first time in some time, i feel myself again. i recognize my laugh and see my joy as mine. i have rediscovered beautiful parts of myself i thought were forever gone. melancholy and anxiety are still there. they are present and they no longer speak for all that i am. they are next to me and within me and they are not the only voices that speak.

depression is not a rational thing that can be explained away with a gratitude list or more ‘concentrating on the good’. i know anxiety and have become more acquainted with depression and it was time to seek extra help in order to make room for more.

i was worried that accepting my need for medication and beginning to literally swallow this pill would remove sadness completely which i have always seen as a huge part of my identity. instead, medicine, my medicine, has allowed me to recognize an even fuller identity.

to those who have loved me in and through this, it is not over and thank you for seeing me always.

to my husband; being loved by you has allowed me to exist in the discomfort but not be swallowed by it.

and to anyone struggling, find your medicine.

written on may nineteenth, twenty twentythree